​

Who we are

We are obsessed with data.  

It is our ineffable truth.
​
The products we've brought to life have been held in the hands of millions of retail consumers.

Was this a stroke of luck?  We can't say for sure, but we can prove it.  It's objective.

What we do

We design products for emerging markets at an industrial scale.

These markets typically lack cGMP analytical integrity.  This has been easy to circumvent with marketing, an expensive problem to solve, and an existential hurdle to truly scale into a retail product market.

We have solved this problem over and over, to the point where Forbes and Men's Health featured the clients we supplied, over half a decade ago.

​Our ethos made us experts in what we do, and what we do speaks for itself.

It is Ethereal Analytics.

It is an ethos that has never had a single CPG recall.  

How we got here

We have never received an external investment.  

Not a single major brand that purchases the shelf space to compete with our client's products, in an industry they inherited and don't give a shit about, can say the same.

We did not automate this refinement.  We never will.  That's our ethos.

That's who we are.

That's what defines what we're good at.

That's what's refined what we do now.

What we hope to accomplish next

The opportunity to share a product we've helped bring to life is as fulfilling as it gets.

It's not our label on the margarita mixes, fermented hot sauces, kombuchas, seltzers, and everything in between.

It's the moment where we get to show off the outcome of a collaboration to our friends and family.

Your success is our reputation.

Our pitch

We eliminate the trial and error.

We eliminate the guesswork.

We eliminate placing ideas on hold.

We simply can't afford it.

This company only exists because we were afforded the opportunity to specialize, over our entire careers, in what we are now better at than anyone else you'll find.

That was the luck.  No baby bathwater rights, grandfather clauses, supply chain agreements, favored nation status, or bankrolling fly by night successes.

Why you're here

If you know, you know.

The secret you already assumed, is that the same companies that can afford bullshit, specialize in absolutely nothing.  

Who do you think they call and attempt to outsource to?  Why do you think these multi-national household name brands ever have to blink?  What company would buy shelf space if they believed in their pitch?  Why would they even have to buy shelf space in the first place?  

Imagine how much time and money goes to waste to make that a billion-dollar business model.

Why we're here

Enough for us to be here.  Enough to not dick you around.  

We can't market vendor relationships and MOQ-based production facilities that we fund without owning, to buy your trust, to fund a scheme that is backed only by the commission it affords to catalyze the next con.  

Enough's enough.  We compete, in such a niche specialty, with billionaires who bottle and can water.  

It's fucking obscene.  

It is what is

And it'd be boring if it suddenly all made sense.

We design and assist in the manufacturing of products that are attempting to create new markets.

We have decades of experience.  This has refined our capability to know the limits of what we can do.  If your idea is too revolutionary to instill the confidence necessary to help it come to life, we won't hide it.  Still, there are so many incredibly random integrations into emerging markets that we can point to, and discuss what we didn't know at the time, if it helps bring your product to life.

That's what all of this is about.  Creating novel, exciting products that people decide to purchase and support, at the expense of mundane, soulless bullshit, even when up against  corporations that shell out every penny available, to monopolize CPG markets to the point where competition is illusory.

Final words

Being able to create new things is an honor, and existential to progress.

We hope you decide to give us a chance to help, if we can.  It's what makes all of this worth doing.

Our story is subjective.  The passion is personal.  The data and focus that drives our decisions is objective.

In the middle of all of that, there's this moment when your idea comes to life, and we all come together to sample a test batch that we hope is what we send off to you, to begin refining before pilot production.

It's produced via this dance between meticulous, formulaic analysis and artistry, and it's undone until deemed superior as a product form, set apart, ethereal in nature.  

That's what we create, and what we hope to keep doing.  That's exactly what all of this is.

​